epic baby-related nightmares

(originally posted on 1/23/2007)
epic baby-related nightmares
every night i dream about babies. actually, i have epic baby-related nightmares that typically i wake myself up from because i feel like i am being strangled by the pressure i feel in the dreams.
some nights (rarely) the dreams are vague and minor and don't have much emotion to them and others seem so real i feel like i am the director, producer and star of them.
the last two nights i have had these really interactive dreams - shockingly about babies.
Action!
sunday night's dream involved me going to work in sales right after my baby was born.
i was selling flat screen tvs and other tech related equipment to businesses. i sold to businesses along a train track in a city that resembled panama city beach and my coworkers were a bunch of stuffy suits. on this particular day we were going to have some pizza (with gross vegetables on it... eww.) back at the "office" which was a concrete block building with indoor/outdoor carpeting and wood panneling . i got in there and took my first bite of (cold) pizza and the office manager brought me my baby (i guess she was watching it while i was out selling tvs?) who was 7 months old. the baby was crying and i thought it might be hungry so i whipped out the ole' boob to, you know, feed it. well, i then realized that this was the first time i had seen my baby since it was born and it didn't know me. it didn't like me. and it damn sure wouldn't let me breastfeed. i missed the first several months of its life because i was working and leaving it with this older lady in the office.
i felt guilty and terrified when i woke up. i have to go right back to work after the baby is born (like the next day, litterally) and i guess i am more afraid of that than i realized. i can see it now: me up all night with a screaming baby changing diapers and feeding, i get ready for work, change a diaper, feed the baby, clean the floors (because i do this every morning, don't you? i am insane [OCD] for clean floors), head to work (fight the traffic, fight the traffic), pump my jugs. deal with crazy people on the phone all day, pump the jugs, fight the traffic, change the diapers, clean the floors, change the diapers, feed the baby, up all night, do it all over again. dammit, this doesn't sound like fuu-uuunnn
last night, i dreamed that i went into labor. this dream had two distinct movements: a serene one and an awful one.
the labor was peaceful and only mildly painful (crosses fingers!) and the baby just kind of popped out after 6 or 7 hours. it was a boy, he was 5 lbs 13 ozs, and he had a mound of RED fuzzy fraggle hair! he was cute and tiny and peaceful. and, i immediately got skinny after i delivered him. it was awesome.
the next day i went home (which wasn't my home, rather some brownstone in a urban area) and my mom came to help us take care of the baby. she was really pissed at the name we had given him and she refused to call him by that name. she said "that name was fine for talking about, but you need to give hime a more acceptable, common name". She was so mad at us for naming him a name she didn't like that she brought us a brand new beagle puppy. I thought: Oh great... more freakin' work! I was sooooooo pissed off at her! But she stayed and helped us even though we were mad at each other. I decided that i was going to go to starbucks and get myself a coffee while the baby was sleeping, so I left her there with the kid. I ran around the corner to the mall and was running in to get a coffee when I ran into hubby with an empty shopping cart. He was un-showered, un-shaven, and wearing clothes that smelled and looked like they had been pulled from the laundry basket (many of you are saying 'yeah? that's typical!). I was really confused and I asked him what he was doing here? He told me he had to get the baby a present, and he was all crazy about it. I was like "look, the baby is 2 days old, he will never know if you got him a present today or in a week. Just come home with me and take a shower!" and he refused. and i got really mad at him and screamed "i have a newborn to take care of and a house and a job and my mom is being crazy and i can't be responsible for taking care of you too! go home, take a damn shower, and chill the hell out!" still he refused so i dragged him into the closest store and he bought two $25 candles for the baby's room, and we headed home. when we got home, my mom was out in the street looking around for the puppy who had gotten loose and the baby was screaming. the phone was ringing. there was shit everywhere, chaos had ensued.
and cut.
how effed up is that dream! it began so nice, calm, peaceful, even happy (skinny after delivery, yesss!), and turned into a nightmare. i don't even know what to say about this one, other than that i believe it is further evidence that i am a complete whacko. maybe it means that while everything might appear fine (baby looks good, labor looked good, i look fabulous) things could still be tumultous. it is so odd, because i feel like i have it together when i am awake: i am confident about my new role and about handling all the pressures of home, working and child rearing. but as soon as i fall asleep, my confidence shifts and freddy-freakin-kruueger invades my brain, and i dream these horrible scenarios that i feel powerless to handle.
i just need a good, drug-induced sleep and i'd be fine... dammit.
btw: this album is great. i just got it after putting it off for the last year and it is remarkable listening. i can't imagine it being offensive to any ears- it's like progressive accoustic chamber-pop. wtf?