evil alter ego

(originally posted 11/14/2006)
evil alter ego
Apparently I have an evil alter ego.
I always kind-of suspected her existence, but, until recently passed it off as foolish ambition. I mean, who doesn't need an alter ego? One to blame drunken scoffs on and make wardrobe choices with. Someone who is terminally hip while I feel like watching Oprah, or, contrarily, the sweet and innocent Pig pen to my crazy ocd cleaning fits: This is my ideal mate. Or is it?
Recently, I (she) have (has) begun ranting. Nagging. Bitching. Complaining. Whatever you would like to call it, it has become an ill fitting glove stuck on my hand. I can't control it, I am powerless to it's evil anger.
This morning, hubby and I got up and I immediately started getting sick (which pissed me off!). I came downstairs to check my fantasy football scores from last night (I won, I won!) while hubs took a shower. Not feeling very well, I hobbled back up to the bed and lay there talking while he got ready for work. Well, he was just not picking out a very good outfit. And I decided to point it out.
"Don't wear those pants, you look like an asshole in those pants. Oh and that shirt? Are you kidding me?"
This went on for several minutes until I successfully manipulated his wardrobe into something semi-reasonable. Surprisingly, he was quite calm about it! Pleased that I had accomplished my goal of anti-assholery outfit manipulation, we headed downstairs to attempt breakfast. Not one stair into the journey did I realize that the shoes didn't match the outfit.
"Those are Navy blue? You can't wear those with a black shirt!"
Face reddening and looking festively irritated, hubby tries briefly to challenge me with no luck.
"Last time I wore them with a navy blue shirt you said they were black!"
After a stern look that threatened more dissention, he turned around and decided to change shoes - Thank god! Minutes later we are downstairs preparing to eat and he is making all the wrong moves. Not only is he opening the pantry door incorrectly, but he is not putting enough soap into the dishwasher and making bad food choices. It is more than I can take and I alert him to his follies at each step.
Finally, he has had enough. Many of you know my husband and realize that he is the world's most laid back and easy going human on the planet. But occasionally (lately!) he gets beyond pissed and explodes.
"You are being the biggest nagging B!tc#!"
Because he is so calm, it is very startling when he gets angry, so I immediately began to cry. And cry. And cry. And he cuddles me and we apologize, and kiss and make up. Thus ending the AM reign of my evil alter ego.
Will she come back? Absolutely! She is a faction of my stresssed pregnant psyche that (I have heard) will be with me for the next 7 months. Maybe I can name her one of the rejected baby names I have squandered:
Midge?
Betty?
Celeste?(this was one of Dan's!)