1st Trimester Reflection

(originally posted 12/19/2006)
1st Trimester Reflection
As I near the end of my first trimester, I must take a few minutes to reflect on the ups (both of them) the downs (most of them) of a first pregnancy.
Being pregnant mostly sucks.There are thousands of things I can write under this heading, but I will choose a few of the more burden-laden ones to make my point. I mean, I am occupied for chrissake!
1. Anger. I am pissed off all the time. Like so pissed I am crying and spitting. Yelling. Fuming. Throwing stuff. I went ballistic on hubs the other day because he wanted to go to the grocery store with me. *Fuck no, you make me stray from my list! God, I want to punch you!*
2. Morning-fuckin-sickness. There have been days I subsisted on like 7 grapes or 2 packs of saltines and a Blow Pop.
3. Sleep. I love to sleep, probably more than most people, but pregnancy sleep is different. It is more of a need than a luxury. When I get into bed at night I occasionally cry because I am so tired and it feels so good to know I am about to go to sleep. But... sometimes, the sleep doesn't come, and I am reduced to watching Fresh Prince reruns on Nick at Nite (thank god there's no more Mister Ed, right!) until 5or 6am. Then I have a freaking anxiety attack about how I am going to make it through the next day on 1-2 hours of sleep. Oh, I make it all right, see #1.
4. Everyone is all up in my business. ALL UP IN MY BUSINESS. This one is the real kicker! I am going to break this little segment into 3 parts: Baby Sex, Baby Name, and Morning Sickness Advice.
a) Baby's Sex. So here's typically how it goes down - Them: *When do you find out what you are having?* Me: *We don't want to find out, we want to be surprised.* Them: *Wow, I would really want to know. How are people supposed to buy you baby gifts? You won't be able to wait, it will make you crazy. You are crazy for not wanting to know, etc...* Me (to myself, you know, inner monologue) *Shut the hell up. It's not you or your kid, so fuckin deal with the fact that I want to be surprised, and that it is my choice. Asshole.* Me (aloud) *That's just how we want to do it. Buy us diapers if you want to get us a gift! Target giftcard! Onesies!* Everyone thinks your pregnancy is their property, and they feel entitled to knowing. My sister even told me she was going to call my obgyn and offer her money to reveal the sex. Luckily, she is poor.
b) Baby's Name. Since we found out we were pregnant, everyone has been asking us if we have thought about names. Me (inner monologue) *no, fuckwad, I think we will just call it "Baby" until it is 3 or 4, then we will use one of Victoria Beckham's kid names.* For serious, there were a couple of names that stood out to us in the beginning, but I was asking hubs all the time if he liked Tessa or Camden, and he got fed up with it, so we picked our two standouts, Vera or Oliver, and decided to stick with them. To everyone who asked early on, I was eager to tell them the exalted choices. Until I heard their responses: *I hate those. No really, I hate Vera, it is awful. Why would you name someone that? That is like child abuse. Why don't you use ____________ (insert overused yuppie child name [haley, liam]) or ___________________ (insert common last name [madison, harper]). * And then, people expect you to like their names they picked out, after they just insulted your names you picked out! So now when people ask, I drop the *you're not going to like them, and frankly, I don't give a fuck* disclaimer before I tell them the names. Or I won't tell them the names at all. But it is weird, all the dissention makes me like them more! I am surer than ever!
c) Morning Sickness Advice. Everyone - male or female, age 11 or Grandmother-aged, ten kids, no kids, homeless with lepracy or former debutantes - everyone - has the miracle cure for morning sickness. Weak tea and soda crackers. Broth. Eat before you get out of bed. Ginger snaps. Ginger tea. No milk after midnight. Soak in a cool bath of ketchup and bleach. Okay, I made that last one up, but, for serious, everyone tells you what to do to relieve the sickness. And the next time they see you, they want confirmation that their remedy worked. Everyone wants to be a magi. This sickness, mind you, won't go away. Nothing made my sickness go away, except for getting out of the house and forgetting about it. Occasionally, that wouldn't work, and I would be driving past the outlet mall and have to pull over to heave and vomit. Hello Holiday Shoppers!
So I guess the meaning behind all of this is SHUT UP! Keep your remedies, your sentiments on pregnancy and the names you never got to name your children to yourself! I know you think you are being nice but I am tired (see #3) and emotional (see #1).
Being pregnant rules.Well, if you all read that last segment, you know this is an utter farce, but there are a couple of things that work out in your favor.
1. Ultimate Excuse. People will excuse you from doing almost anything. You can use this one with your family during the holidays to get out of doing the dishes, use it weekly to get out of cleaning the bathroom, use it at work to get out of doing, well, most stuff. Remember, you are tired and fragile, and you can't control your emotions. This one works particularly well for yardwork, farting in public, annoying family get togethers, and moving anything remotely heavy.
2. Okay, I will admit it, I am kind of bonding with the little creature too. It's teeney face looked at me during my last ultrasound, and it was the first time I took ownership of this alien-looking lifeform. Oliver, Vera, whomever. I was excited for the first time.
Although, I think it was laughing at me...