Grammar Police

(originally posted 1/5/2007)
Grammar Police
Wheeeeeeeewwwwww!
Wheeeeeeeewwwwww!
*blue lights flashing in your proverbial rear view mirror*
It is the Grammar Police, here to hand out citations for dumbass use of apostrophes. Jesus, people, didn't anyone learn when it is apropriate to use an apostrophe? I certainly did, and other people I know did, but I guess most people just forgot... or something... I don't understand how most people even made it through 7th grade by their current misuse of this important punctuatory device.
I am not perfect. I misuse commas constantly. I ramble and decide to, you know, add commas, you know, as often as it feels, I mean, necessary. I am falliable (me, imperfect!?) and therefore subject to the scrutiny of others, but I feel I must scrutinize on this matter. MUST. FOR MY OWN SANITY.
I come across at least 3 misuses of apostrophes a day, depending on how much I read. There are misuses in restaurant menus (no not menu's, friends, just menus), in the newspaper, in advertising copy. There are misuses on Christmas cards (to the Collins's, love The Smith's), on signs, on television. But more than all of that, I see misuse in the everyday writing of adults. I direct a non profit Foundation of mature community leaders and some of these (very well educated) people have serious difficulty with apostrophes! I do not get it. I always point them out to my husband (who thinks I am the unholiest, nitpickiest bitch to walk the planet. Sadly, he is probably correct.) and we laugh disgustedly at the follies.
So as a public service, I will attempt to help the misusers and post the rules of apostrophes here. You are welcome (in advance) for your future smarter writing.
The apostrophe is used for two things only: To signify two words joined: What is = What's To signify possesion: A hat that belongs to Ben = Ben's hat
That is it.
Apostrophies are most commonly misused when speaking of more than one thing. PLURAL NOUNS DO NOT REQUIRE AN APOSTROPHE. One Ball. Three Balls. Not Three Ball's.One Pizza. Five Pizzas. Not Five Pizza's.
Now, there is significant room for confusion because if you are talking about, say, three footballs and were being asked if the laces were white on each of the balls you would reply by saying : Yes, the balls' laces are white. The Three balls have posession of their own laces, therefore warranting an apostrophe.
Still with me? I see some of you near the back have dozed off.It's cool, we can still be friends, just not friend's. And not on paper.
When addressing, say, a letter to the Brown Family, you would address it toThe Browns, not The Brown's.
When cheering for your favorite team, you would say "Go Seminoles!", not "Go Seminole's". You would say "The Ohio State Buckeyes are going to win the national championship!", not "The Ohio State Buckeye's are going to win the national championship".
Going to a restaurant later? Perhaps you will be visiting Ball's Out Sportsbar (This one kills me, as if the Balls own the place)? Maybe you can eat some chicken wing's and watch the Dolphin's on one of their 24 TV's. I jest, and I really do like this place, but their use of punctuation is abhorrent and loathsome.
And.... rant over.