US Post Office

(originally posted 12/8/2006)
US Post Office
I AM ABOUT TO GO POSTAL!!!!!!!!!!
I am amidst a battle royale with the USPS, namely in Santa Rosa Beach, FL.
Somehow, I have only been receiving a dubious selection of mail. You know, important business like the Harry and David Holiday Catalog and Kitten immunization reminders. You know, the giant postcards from pizza places and applications for credit cards (for which I have been pre approved). But mail that I actually want, I am not receiving!
The whole thing began several months ago when my dad sent me a "secret package." He warned me to look out for a big package (which I was sure contained beer, cds, you know, cool stuff.). So I looked out. For 6 fucking weeks. And nothing came.
Much like you novices to USPS trauma would do, I just wrote it off as another 6 pack, lost to the gods of brown boxes. But when my Dad and I spoke about it, he told me that the box contained an old scrapbook of mine from Highschool *gasp!*. This is an irreplacable piece of literature that I can't live without (despite the fact that I have lived without it for nearly 10 years...), and I vow to get to the bottom of this mess!
Sooo... I did what any other novice would do and called the good ole' USPS (1-800-ASK-USPS if anyone has several hours to spare). After half a lifetime listening to all of the services provided by USPS I get to speak to a woman:
"Hi, my dad said he sent me a package and I never received it.""Did he send it to the right place?"***** Oh, you know what you fucking idiot, I never thought to ask him that question! Man you have been the been the biggest help!*****"Yes ma'am, he sent it to the right address, that was the first thing we checked""Well, somebody probably stole it.""Uhhh.... okay.... thank you?"
So I am upset and I tell my dad and he feels awful, and I forget about it as soon as it happened.
Jump ahead to late October, when my stepmother and I are talking about my pregnancy and she asks if she can send me a book:
"Of course! I would love that""I was going to send you "What to expect when you're expecting (the essential pregnancy literary classic), do you think you will have any problem with your mail?""nah.""Look out for it then, I will get it in the mail tomorrow!"
Fast forward 2 weeks:
"So, did you get the books?""You know what, I did not! Did you send them to the proper address?"
And you know how that went.
So, I decided to call USPS again. I finally speak to a human after devouring an entire bag of cheetos. I will pull you in to the all important part in the dialogue when she (different old bat) asks me:
"...send it to the correct address?"*slaps forehead* "YES!""Well, I don't know what to tell you, hun. I can make a record in our computer.""okay, do that"
Several more days pass and we realize we never received our rent check from our renters. (Contrary to popular belief, we are not wealthy enough to sustain 2 mortgages, and rent is an INCOME , not a bill.) I also ordered a new drivers license online and never received it, and we have received a few bills with late fees for which we never received the original bill. So again, I call. Two centimeters of leg hair growth later, I speak to a man:
"Well, were these items sent to the correct address?"*******AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!******"For the love of christ, YES!""Ma'am, there is no need to be rude.""I know, you have to ask that...**sigh**""Here's what I am going to do, I will have someone from your local office give you a call so you can get this matter straightened out.""Sweet!""Thank you for using the US Postal Service."
***AS IF IT WAS A CHOICE!***
2 days later, I get a call:
"Were the items sent ...""...To the correct address, yes. Believe me, they were.""Well, we had a large bundle of mail fall off of one of our trucks and it was just recovered last week. Perhaps your pieces were in that bundle."**** Ya think, lady! Sweet mother of god, I have spent several million hours on the phone trying to resolve this fucking mail issue! And now you tell me a bundle of mail fell off! Makes me feel really safe!****"Perhaps. So you are asking me to wait more, I suppose?"
I guess I am still waiting because we never saw the likes of any of it.
You know the old addage hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me ? Well fuck that addage.
Fast forward to last weekend, when I bought a pair of adorable Citizens of Humanity maternity jeans online. uh-dor-uh-bul. and not so cheap. Well, I was apprehensive about receiving them at the house, but I hoped, prayed that the god forsaken USPS would come through for me this time. And they were adorable, i mean, really cute.
Well, it has been 5 days since they were shipped 2-3 day express shipping and they did not come. Of course.
So I called (I have USPS on speed dial at thois point). And miraculously, I get through after about 1.2 seconds. I should have known something was up.
"Hi, I am having a big problem receiving mail."(In your best old angry bitch voice)"Well, are you receiving any mail?".."Yes, just not all of it""Well if you are receiving any mail at all, there is nothing wrong with the mail. Are you sure the stuff was mailed to the correct address?"***********fuck, I can't even type how mad I was************"Yes, something is wrong with the mail. I have a laundry list of packages and items I never received and I .."
---click---
The bitch hung up on me.
My jaw hit the floor and I filled with rage, and I called right back. 8-10 mins into my call I spoke to a human:
"First of all, don't you dare hang up on me!""okay...""Some lady just hung up on me, and I am pp--pp--upseeeeettttt ***sob***""Okay, it's okay, give me your name and address and I will see if I can get it straightened out"
blah blah, I cried for 10 mins to the guy about all the afforementioned problems, and he assured me that someone from my local post office would call me within the next 2 postal days. Stay tuned for updates.
And mail all your packages UPS or FedEx this holiday season.